It's really sad that most of the friends I used to have from Weymouth no longer care about me. In fact, some of them probably despise me. And I'm not quite sure why or who, but it's a very sad feeling when you come home from school for break, looking forward to seeing people, and you no longer have those people to call. Coming home is no longer something I look forward to, I realize this now. At least at school I have friends I can see and hang out with and talk to. Home has become a bleak place. I suppose they haven't liked me for a while, and they always told him to leave me, and now that he has, they are probably happy for him and now they don't have to "put up with" trying to pretend to like me. I don't have anything against anyone. I've been trying to reach out to people with not much success. I'm trying to not feel hurt by all this, but it's hard because Weymouth is my home and I'm slowly starting to realize how little I have left to come home to. I'm glad I at least have Bonnie, who stands by me no matter what and has never for a moment wished for me to feel pain or unwelcome. And it reminds me of when I was younger, in 7th grade when I met her. I didn't have many friends but she was there, and I realize how things come full circle. She was the only one I had before, and she's the only one I have now. The ones who are really your friends will show their true face through the bad times. They'll stand by you, when no one else is left standing. I'm not sure what more I can do. But like everything else, I'll take the blow with a strong face and try to let it go. In time.

The face that I have been wearing inside and out for so long is finally starting to crack under the strain of always having to pretend I feel nothing. I can feel the weight slowly breaking me down. I don't know how much longer I can carry this burden. And I'm starting to wonder if you even care about me at all anymore.

I'm starting to doubt if I'm going in the right direction. I'm scared that what I'm doing isn't what I wanted to do. I don't know if I want to do music technology anymore, and it scares me because I have spent so much time and effort to get here, I battled depression so that I could come and study music. I still love music, but I don't know if I'm cut out for all this computer stuff. I'm worried that I'm not interested in it enough to really follow through with this for another two years. Everything got so screwed up when I had to go to Umass Boston and then transfer here. I like this school, and I just wish I came here as a freshman and started out doing what I'm doing now because now I'm falling behind and I have to do everything out of order and I'm just so overwhelmed by everything at the moment. And instead of my mom being supportive and telling me I'll work it out, she yells at me because we have no money for me to spend another 2 years in college.

I'm angry because I have spent the last few months trying to build myself back up again and I was becoming so confident and strong and now I feel very uncertain and vulnerable and weak again. I hope this is just a bump in the road. But jesus, how many bumps am I going to get until I feel like things are ok. I know this is stupid, I shouldn't be upset, but this was just a trigger that set off a bunch of other things. Why can't I ever just find some stability in things. Why is it that when you have one thing, you can't have something else. It's when you lose the first thing that you get the other. You can't have everything at the same time. And right now I feel like I'm not even allowed to have the basics. Broken heart? Sure, I can deal with that. But the second I feel like my dreams and my future are coming in jeopardy though, that's when I start to lose my cool.

I know this mess will work itself out. Although I have to make stupid sacrifices that I shouldn't have to make to get things done. But that's life right? You sacrifice a lot to only get a little back.

Nozomi

Blah. I find that a decent representation for today.

Time is ticking on by. And I feel lost in it. I'm living in a bubble. By choice and at the same time not by choice. I have to live in it in order to get by. I have to displace feelings and leave myself with nothing sometimes or I would crumble underneath the weight of everything. Where is all this going? When will this bubble finally burst and free me? I have no idea, and that's the scary part. How long can I go on like this? Only coming up for air once and a while, only dealing with reality when I feel like it. And ironically, I feel life is simpler now. But not necessarily in a good way. I can find happiness in things that I never could find it in before. I spend a lot of time with my family, and I even enjoy it. I've made new friends and reconnected with old ones. The ones who still give a damn about me. I do really well in school, almost too well, it seems almost sick how easily it all comes to me. I work really hard. I'm really busy all the time, between three ensembles, work, homework, class. I write music all the time for my classes, and what I write I am so proud of. And my teachers seem to like me, people seem to like me. I've been doing more outside training on my own for tae kwon do, because I want to be better physically and mentally. I don't eat crap anymore, usually I'm so busy I barely have time to eat, so I've lost some weight and gained some muscle. I'm in better shape then I was in high school. And I also feel an inner strength that not a lot of people see or will ever see. I'm a smart, good-looking, and all around good and likable person.
But all of this just feels like a dream. Like one long day that just never seems to end. And I'm constantly waiting for tomorrow. I'm constantly forcing the clock to move faster so that I could get over this bump in the road and find some peace beyond this.
I saw a psychology article online talking about how if people remembered absolutely everything they've ever done or seen we would all go absolutely crazy. We would never be able to let go of mistakes, we would have every painful memory floating around in our minds all the time. For me, the good memories, the bad memories, they're all painful. The only reason I've gotten this far in life is because I have forgotten things. The only way you can live in a bubble is by forgetting all the shit and keeping only the basic essentials. And every time something new and painful comes along, you think about it for a moment, then discard it like everything else. In the end, when you've thrown away all the bad, the only thing that can be left is the good. You take those good things and you run with them. Run like hell, and don't let anybody take those from you. Despite how much pain music has brought me, it has also been the one thing that makes me feel worthy of existing because I have worked so hard to have it. I have thrown away those feelings of not being good enough, not getting into Berklee, not being the player I wanted to be, and I have kept only the good. I am a great composer, and I will continue to be until I go deaf or die.
I feel like when I look back on this time of my life I won't remember it too well because so much has happened in such a short amount of time. I'm living more in the future then I am in the past or present. I don't know if that's a good thing. I just want to tread through this time lightly. I don't want to leave a bold mark in my time line here. I don't want to remember everything. I just want to keep moving, I want to get this part over with and get to the next act of my life because all this just feels like transition material.

Yea, writing in stream of consciousness. This probably made sense to no one. But no body reads this so it doesn't matter. It's a reminder to myself of how I feel at this moment, so I can look back on it later. If I feel like it.


~Nozomi

I will never settle for anything less
Than what I think is best for me
Everyone thinks they know what I want and what I need
But they don’t know what would make me happy

I ask myself if they really cared
Why can’t they just bless me
And send me on my way
If the world is out to test me
Well I’d rather be damned
As long as I still have my say in this

I’m not looking for an escape
I’m not looking for an easy way out
I’m in this for the long run
Even If I have to go through hell
I will get there even if you try to drag me down

I will never go only half way and forfeit my chances
Why bother doing anything if you don’t plan to succeed
Everyone believes they know what I want and what I need
But they don’t know how strong and determined I can be

I’m not looking for an escape
I’m not looking for an easy way out
I’m in this for the long run
Even If I have to go through hell
I will get there even if you don’t believe in me

You will never hear me say I surrender
If it looks as though I am giving up
It just means that I’ve found bigger and better dreams to chase
Because a dream is something I try to turn to reality
And when there is no one left for me to depend on
I will still be left standing

Because I will not let go despite how hard times may be
I will not surrender to pain and uncertainty
If this is what I must endure to prove to you how much I want this
Then so be it

I’m not looking for an escape
I’m not looking for an easy way out
I’m in this for the long run
Even though I must go through Hell
I will get there



~Nozomi

Rachael Yamagata- Be Be Your Love

I wish my family was home, and not in Aruba. I could really use them right now.

So I had a really great Halloween weekend. I really did. It was the most fun I've had maybe since I've been in college. But then of course it all has to come screeching to a halt when I get in the car with my dad and he has to start rehashing old issues about my parents' divorce and how I never try to get into contact with him and at one point, I kid you not, he blamed me for my parents not getting back together. Yea. The whole time I'm talking about all the things he's done to me, the things I have been dealing with since I was a child, but does he hear any of them? Of course not. All he talks about are his hardships, how his life is a mess right now and how he has nothing. And who's fault is that? His of course, but does he acknowledge it? Does he take responsibility for anything? No. Instead he blames my mom, and in turn blames me because I'm "my mother's daughter" and not his anymore. No, that part of me, the part from him, no longer counts. And I'm sitting in the car thinking how ridiculous this all is. How I am still being blamed for things I did when I was a young, compulsive teenager. I try to tell him about all the issues I've had to deal with, but they're not important compared to his. I tell him how many times I have cried because I have been neglected by my own dad, meanwhile my boyfriend at the time was the one who had to deal with all my pain face to face, and in return he told him that the career he was working so hard for was a joke and a waste of time. I'm still shocked by all that. Every time I tried to speak my mind, he would talk over me. I don't think he heard a single word I said. In the end, I realized that he doesn't know me, and he will never know me. He's missed all the important things in my life that we can't get back. I told him at least my mom was always there, at least she supported me, she never missed a show or a concert, and she has never blamed me for her failures. She may not be the best parent, but at least I know she cares. Unlike him, where after this argument, I doubted it even more. I realized tonight that we can never be a part of the same family ever again. We can never have that relationship between a daughter and a father. It's gone, and I almost don't even care. All I want is to grow up, become even more independent than I am now, and so I never have to ask him for anything. I don't want his love, or his money. Because neither of those things are worth anything anyway. And once again I think, this is why I won't have children, because I'm so scared of this ever happening to them. I am so scared for them to be neglected by their own parents. To be pushed aside and for them to feel worthless and taken for granted. If you're going to do that, why bother having them? Because I know exactly what it feels like to feel like one of your own parents doesn't love you, and I would never wish that on anyone.

So you learn to fill that emptiness. But at least I'm half full.


Nozomi

Stardust
written by Jane Goldman & Matthew Vaughn, from the novel by Neil Gaiman

Yvaine (Claire Danes): You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know a lot about love. I’ve seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars... pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I’m trying to say, Tristan is...I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange...no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

it's hard to wait around for something
    you know might never happen;
but it's even harder to give up
    when you know it's everything you want.

The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote 'hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don't!’ and ‘Hang on!, can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
-David Foster Wallace


The hardest thing ever is taking chances. Because you can only take so much pain. And you can only get hurt so many times before you create a bubble around yourself to avoid any more scars. And then you end up never really living at all. So we deal with pain. We take chances and we take risks, because either way we’re going to lose, and it’s going to hurt.
-Unknown


Solitude

This is the last you'll hear of me, at least for a while. I'm not going to write in here anymore. It's a useless and self-deprecating pass time. Maybe a poem once in a while, if I ever feel the need. But that's it. Today was a mistake and a half. I won't let it happen again. There's a lot I'd like to say, but it's not worth it anymore. My tears are not worth it. My lips are sealed. Today, I rip my heart out, turn it to stone, throw it in a box and lock it away. I'll save it for some other time. When the world is ready for me again.

For now this is my mantra:

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Music is the only thing I do that makes me feel like I am actually worthy of being loved. It's true. It's the only thing I can create with my own hands and mind and leave behind. It's the only true gift I can give to someone because each piece of music I write it's like I leave a part of my soul in there for the world to hear. I feel like it's my only redeeming quality. Without it, I'd be boring and useless. What could people possibly see in me and love me for? Everything else seems so trivial. But it's too bad my music will probably never be the deciding factor. It will probably never save a friend or a relationship. It'll just be a representation of how I feel.

I got a fortune in a fortune cookie the other day that said, "your love of music will be an important part of your life" and I thought how funny it was that I got it. Some things I swear are fate. Like when Curtis left me a facebook message saying if I ever needed someone to talk to he's there. And then I get to park street coming home and I run into him and we talked on the T. However, he's not much of a listener, but that's ok. It was just nice having someone to talk to on the way home. Lately I feel like I have no control over my life. I feel like I'm supposed to just let everything go and to let everything happen with or without my consent. But I do have control in music. It might be the only thing I feel like I have any say in. I wish there was something I could do. I can't stand inaction. I can't stand vagueness and ambiguity. I want answers, and yet I'm left puzzled. I want to write a song and have it solve all my problems, like they do in the movies. I'm such a hopeless romantic. I live my life in daydreams. I still wish for that final fantasy kind of love. As stupid and naive as it is. And I'll probably always wind up getting my heart broken for it. But at least I'll always have my music to be proud of. At least it will always be my measurement of self-worth. Even if no one else sees it.

Nozomi

Today was the best day I've had in a while. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was because I didn't have class, and not whole lot of work to do. I went to work in the morning for four hours, and then I went to the practice room to work on the song for music comp seminar. All the doubts I had about my piece were pushed away the other day when my professor told me to stick with my original idea. So I started writing, and I actually came up with something I like. I think I will be proud of this. For some reason, all the pieces I am forced to write for school always end up being what I'd like to think are my "master pieces". The pieces I write remind me nothing of myself, but they come out of my own head. Well I'm hopeful that this project will be a success anyway.

I went to orchestra, which was fun. Chadwin joined me in the percussion section, since I was the only percussionist. Ha. Well we might have some French guy joining but who knows how good he is. We played a symphony by Dvojak, which was nice. I liked playing music. I wish everyone in the world could play an instrument, and I wish they all did it from time to time because I swear it would relieve them of all their stress. I know when I'm there I forget about all my problems and just focus on music. I swear if I didn't have music I think I'd be dead. There is nothing else like it in the world. When I play and write music, I don't feel so worthless. I feel like I have something to offer the world. Also some kid offered to teach me cello for cheap, maybe it'll work out.

I'm very grateful to my friends right now. I know they have been putting up with all my problems, but I see now that he was right. I needed friends for when everything fell through and I had no where else to go. Chadwin and Bonnie are so patient with me. They understand I'm hurting and they just let me talk and try to give me advice. If I didn't have them I don't know what I'd be like right now. I just wish Bonnie was closer. But I'm planning on visiting her over Columbus day weekend. I remember on my birthday when I went to her house and her mom brought out that mini cake with our names on it I almost burst into tears because I thought "god, people care about me, I'm not so worthless". I was so happy amidst my sadness that I wanted to cry. It was such a simple gesture, but it meant everything. I can't believe I was so stupid and I wasted my time buying into everybody else's opinions and rumors, and I went around trying to find a friend in everyone else. Now I know for sure that we're best friends, and I'm crying right now because it makes me so happy to know there's someone out there that will be there for me unconditionally. And I'm sorry that I ever doubted it. And I think if I had realized this sooner I could have saved my relationship. But that's in the past now. And I have to move forward from here.


Nozomi

I may not write in here frequently, or at least not until recently, but I just went back and read things from a year or even two years ago, and it's insane how long I've had this thing for. It's been there since the beginning of high school for me. It's been a place where I have expressed my utter rage and also my complete terror over the things I can't control. I have no idea if anyone reads this thing, since I believe livejournal is dead. But I'm here, baring my heart and soul. I think someday I will go back and read all my entries, hopefully along with a friend or a loved one, just to hear how much I've changed.

I can't believe I'm 20. And I didn't celebrate it. Instead, I lived a day like any other, and felt sorry for myself. I feel like I'm still 18. Except everything is different. I would do anything to go back. But instead, I have to face a present I don't like. I'm sure if anyone does read this they probably think I'm whiny. Ha. I can't stand myself sometimes.

I don't blame people for not reading this. This is shit. Ha. I still write my whiny crap in here. Yea, I haven't changed much at all.

Nozomi

It's hard to forget someone when they were once so embedded into your life. Almost every aspect of your life has some kind of meaning between you. It's hard to move on and not think about them when there is no escape in your mind. Not even in my dreams. Because he shows up there, too, against my wishes and there's nothing I can do. I want to be able to look at something and not be reminded of him. I can't even look at a website or play some stupid game or watch some show without thinking about him. How long will I be tortured? How long will it be when I can look at these things and not feel that stab of pain? I have never been with someone so long, and shared so many experiences with someone before. It's not fair that I'm probably doing most of the suffering.

Everyday I curse myself for becoming depressed because I think if I hadn't, maybe things would have been as they were supposed to be. Maybe we could have been happy. Maybe I could have been happy for once. I hate that I pushed him away and destroyed everything that I wanted in the process. I single handedly take on the blame everyday of my life. I ruined this. I ruined this relationship and I drove away someone who loved me like no one else ever could. And now he's been hurt, probably worse than anything I could have ever done on purpose. I may not have broken his heart, but I think I broke something else. I never wanted to do that to anyone, let alone him. And now I feel guilty for that, too, on top of all my own pain.

Ironically, now that I'm alone, I think more about the future. The idea of being with someone for the rest of my life, be it married or not. My sister got married at 23, and I could never imagine getting married in three years. I can't imagine ever getting married because I can't imagine any one ever loving me like that. I know that I want to be with someone, a partnership. I want someone to say they love me and mean it. Something I haven't truly felt in a while. I want to be happy just knowing no matter what happens that at the end of the day, there's someone waiting for me who can't wait to see me and talk about our days. I want someone to come and sweep me off my feet and tell me whatever pain I have felt, none of it matters anymore because we're together. I want someone to take care of me on my bad days, when I cry or when I'm mad. And I want to in turn take care of someone else in the same way. I want someone to run to me when I cry, not run away because they  can't take it anymore. Then again, I don't want to have reasons to cry anymore. I want to find that happiness that I see in other people when they're with the one they love. Something that I felt so long ago, and for only a brief time before I started falling apart. I want to love someone at the same time that they love me. I want to be happy, because I think I deserve it after everything I've been through. But god knows how long I have to wait for it. I hate just waiting. I feel like the best things in life you earn because you worked for them. And right now I feel like I've failed and given up and I'm playing by someone else's rules. What about what I want? What about what I think is best for me? I feel so powerless because what I want is out there, it exists and I can't have it, I can't fight for it. I just have to watch it go with the uncertainty that things may not happen the way I want them to. I feel lonely and unloved and quite frankly abandoned. My life has to change so that I can deal with it and in a way I feel like I'm being tested. I'm being tested to see if I'll learn to depend on friends and family rather than someone I love. I'm being tested to open up to people because it's the only time I feel safe and secure and not like I'm losing this battle with myself. I'm being tested to see that I will not nor ever again become depressed. Well, am I passing? Yes. Am I happy? ....

Wake me up when it's over.


Nozomi

Today was a tough day. I only feel a little bit better after talking. I feel like I talk to anyone who will listen to me about my problems. I'm hanging out with people almost everyday, trying to get out there and make friends but it still hurts. And I run into people I know and I say hi but I feel like such a liar when I say I'm good because I'm really sad. I had to do everything in my power not to break down in front of everyone at the student center while I was working the damn information desk, which I sucked at because I know nothing nor should anyone ever listen to me.

Classes were ok though. Stats, not so much. I don't know about theory. It seems like I will be able to manage. I'm really excited about music composition seminar. Tomorrow we have to submit a poem we like to write a song about. I have three which I don't know which I will choose from. My favorite by Yeats, He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven, my favorite by Edgar Allan Poe, A Dream within a Dream, and Invictus by Henley. They all have emotional importance to me. But I'm sure my teacher will tell me which one I should do. Whatever it is I'll make it work. But I have a project due later that is piano and cello which I am very excited about. My two favorite instruments, both I can kind of play. And it will be professionally recorded in the studio for me to have a copy. This I think will be much more expressive and more fun than the concert band piece.  And I like music tech so far. It was exactly what I want and what I think I need to make it in the business that I'm shooting for. And since I already am somewhat familiar with tech stuff, it shouldn't be too bad. I like the teacher, he knows what he's talking about.
   The question is will I be able to graduate in four years? Or even four and a half? I don't know, it's not looking good right now. But I'll try my best.

I miss my dog and the other little guy. I miss his relentless kisses. there's nothing like love from a dog. It's unconditional, unlike human love which sometimes dies or fades. Dogs will always love you, as long as he's got food and a bed. I wish life was that simple. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, and I hope there is, despite my intense atheism, I hope I come back as a dog. I know it's a downgrade, but at least for ten or so years I'll be free from human pain. I'll take that downgrade any day.


Nozomi

This poem took a lot out of me. But I needed it.


A voice in my head keeps telling me this is a mistake
My legs have the relentless urge to run until I find you
My eager heart keeps trying to leap out of my chest
But I don’t even deserve to search for you
Since you’ve made yourself impossible to reach

And now I’m in love with a stranger
Because I don’t recognize a world
Where I may not even matter to you anymore
Will it matter if I say I love you?
Will it ever matter again?

What if I said I would take you as you are?
Would you ever believe me?
What if we were meant to become so damaged and broken
In order to love each other better?
What if we’re supposed to heal each other?
What if nothing else mattered?
Nothing but us

I’m tired of waiting for my turn
Because god damnit I know you’re my soul mate
And I will wait till the earth ends to prove it to you
To prove that no one could ever love you more than me
That no one knows you like I do
That no one forgives your mistakes like I do
That no one sees through you like I do
No one appreciates your smile like I do
And my arms are always wide open
Waiting for my chance to show you

And if we do cross paths on this earth again
I hope I recognize that heart
I hope that smile is still sweet
Even if it’s not meant for me


Nozomi

Today was weird. My roommate showed up with her family while I was still in pjs this morning. And then her family was trying to move my furniture around to make her furniture arrangement better. Well I didn't have a say in my furniture arrangement last year and I didn't have my family come in and make a big deal. I know they only wanted it to be fair, but I got here the day I was supposed to and I picked where I wanted to sleep and stuff. Oh well, no big deal, except I was already kind of upset, and this only made me want to break down. I have no idea why. I tried to call people, Bonnie was the only one who answered. I just felt lost in this big city with no where to go and no one to turn to.
Then after working in the game room from 4 to 6, I discovered Chadwin, who was getting ready for an ice cream social to welcome new members to the band. Well, I decided to go and I had fun playing games and talking to n00bs. Then afterwards I went out with Chad and some other people from band and we went to some kid's dorm and they were all drinking and I wasn't. I felt a bit left out, because they seemed more akin to each other, and I felt like a baby. I didn't know any of their drinking games. I learned one but I never drank on my turn so the fun was lost on me. That's ok though. I think I at least was gracious and kept my spirits up despite my tiredness. I left a little early because my stomach had been bothering me for a while, but Chadwin wanted me to stay. He asked me about him, and I told him we broke up and he was immediately shocked and sad and supportive, saying how sorry he was and that we'll talk tomorrow. Despite the fact that he was drunk. I hope he remembers though.

Then I was a bit irked when I came back to my room. My roommate was already asleep by 11:30. But that wasn't what got me. It was the fact that the blinds on the window on my side of the room were down. Now, first this angers me because I don't know how she even put them down, but it required her to come into my space. And secondly, I absolutely hate it when people pull down the blinds on windows. We have these big beautiful windows in our room, with lots of light and if I can help it, I will open mine as wide as possible and make sure she never closes them. If I could I would throw the damn blinds out. My other roommate did this to me last year, except then there was only one window and I went about always opening the blinds when she wasn't around. Now I have my own and I will do with it what I damn well please. I'm not paying $5000 to not have control over my own window.


Despite this, it's still quite lonely in the city.


Nozomi



p.s. Somebody is having a really loud party next door. I hope I can sleep despite this,
Also, I hope he's talked to someone.